I'm so anxious today and I have no idea why...maybe it's cuz I have a doctor appointment at 4:30, but I doubt it...who knows, who knows. It's been pretty low key. I'm doing all sorts of data entry and filing at Mom's office because nobody will let me stay home alone right now. I don't know what they think I'll do...eat all the food in the house? Or maybe clog up the drain pipes. Hell, I'd probably do one or the other, but I hate not having trust, even if I shouldn't it really sucks because I spent such a long time building it up again. My mind is wicked scattered right now, and I have paper cuts from filing about 300 or so documents for an hour on my knees in a tiny, stuffy room by myself. I better be getting paid for this, that's all I have to say. Maybe my problem is that I can't say no to things, not at all. If somebody asks me to do something I do it, unless I'm kidding around and even if I seriously said no, who would believe me when I've pretty much never done that before? I can't figure out if it's a good thing or a bad thing...I mean, it's great that I'm so open to helping other people out, but what if someone asks me to do something that is seriously dangerous to myself but I do it just to please them? That probably would fall under self destructive, don't you think? ::sighs:: I don't know anymore, it's not like it really matters anyway.

I think part of my anxiety is from not being able to see Chris. I miss him SO much it's ridiculous, and I would give anything to be in his arms right now...literally anything. I never thought in a million years that I could miss somebody this much but feel so connected to them at the same time. It kind of sucks...I'd say that time and distance and life are crap except that I truly believe that if you work through whatever tough stuff comes your way that the reward will far excede what you had to put up with; the bigger the block you knock down the more magic awaits you on the other side. So I think it's the same way with a long distance relationship. If you can pull through and stay connected and in love, you get your reward by having the time you do have together being all the more vital and special and amazing. And it lasts longer, and you have a much closer emotional relationship than if you could see each other at the drop of a hat....sometimes I wonder why I'm so eerily optimistic about things.


I really can't believe any of this...I thought that it was all over with...I thought I was recovered, better, healthy, "normal". But what is normal, anyway? Well, I know one thing, it isn't dumping the contents of every single thing you eat out of your body and into the toilet bowl thirty plus times every single week. It's not feeling so much pain that you turn inward towards yourself literally and figuratively, inflicting external wounds to shield the internal ones. It's not seeing globs of cellulite and fat in the mirror at each glance when the rest of the world is constantly attempting to reassure you that you are, if anything, reaching the too thin side of health. It's not being afraid to feel, living in a constant denial that you are super human and nothing can damage the mask you've created to mold over your true self. How is any of that "normal'? I mean, only an idiot would think that.

But I've noticed recently that I've taken all my problems for granted...I'm becoming used to them and they are feeling as typical and day to day as brushing my teeth or getting dressed in the morning...it's so different than anything I've ever experienced. Sure, I've had these issues for nearly five years, but even when I condoned them I always knew, deep down, that they were in no way healthy or ok, or at least that it wasn't an average thing for a person to do. That's how it feels now...like there's no problem with purging, restricting, cutting, no problem with causing myself what is apparently extreme harm multiple times on a day to day basis. I watch people's faces when they look at my arms and the scars that are exposed, watch as their eyes shift away uneasily and their expressions contort in discomfort. I hold onto my friends as I stand and can't see for minutes at a time, not questioning to safety fact that somebody else has to keep me upright. I don't seem to be questioning anything anymore. It seems natural to race the the bathroom after eating anything, to reach for something sharp when I feel my heart begin to wrench. I keep telling myself that it's not but...

Maybe it's just easier to be in denial that's something is horribly, tremendously wrong. That way I don't ever have to fix it. It takes so much effort to go step by step and correct everything that has gone wrong yet again and to a greater degree. I wasn't expecting this, the total relapse of all the tendencies that I worked so hard for over a year, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week to get rid of. I mean I put all of my energy into changing self defeating behaviors, shifting family interactions, altering distorted body image...and now it's all worse. I thought that things can only get bad to a certain point and then they start to look up. I thought you could break through the clouds and find the sun.

So what am I supposed to do when I pulling back cloud after gray cloud and all I come across are darker shades of gray?